BDSM is an abbreviation (or an "umbrella" term) for Bondage, Discipline/Domination, Sadism/Submission, and Masochism (or Sadomasochism). It is a catch-all term for "D/s" (Dominance and submission) as well as for "SM" (sadism/masochism).

For some folks, this encompasses their whole mindset, and I am such a person; I literally "think in D/s" because my whole emotional make-up has, since childhood, understood this concept. And this is why I refer to myself as a "lifestyler" meaning that this is *not* a choice for me, it is how I am deep inside. I lived half of my life trying to fit into a *vanilla* (or non-kink) world and was miserable for a lot of that time. Now that I understand myself, I am much happier and more content inside myself and in how I relate to others.

I do not have a submissive personality... and I want to state that this is important to understand. I submit to and answer to one man and one man only; a man that I trust with my life (literally) and who fulfills me as no one ever has in my life before. Submission is NOT "weakness" or an "inability to make decisions for oneself" ... nor does it mean that I don't have a mind of my own; it means that I give myself totally and completely (all of me, physically, mentally and spiritually) to a man that I am fortunate enough to call My Master.

Now there are others who participate in various ways and in various degrees who are not "lifestylers". These folks do not seem to need this as a lifestyle... they are more geared toward BDSM as an adjunct to their lives, using various segments of BDSM along with their marriages or relationships as adding "spice" to their sexual (and sometimes emotional) lives. I refer to these people as "lovestylers" and I consider them no less valid than I do "lifestylers."

I am often asked if BDSM is about *pain* ... and let me tell you that this is not the case at all. Many folks partake of BDSM and are not interested in giving or receiving pain... they are not sadomasochistic in other words. Some of these people are into bondage only; some are interested in various kinds of control, some simply like "rough sex" as it is often called. The "SM" part of BDSM is about pain... both the consensual giving and receiving of it and this is perhaps the hardest part of the lifestyle/lovestyle to explain to those who do not understand, known far and wide as non-kink or *vanilla* folks. I have also written an essay about pain, which is on another part of my Personal page.

What this lifestyle is about, in MY opinion, is PASSION, INTIMACY,
COMMUNICATION .. and INTENSITY. There is NO "one true way" to live in the lifestyle or to enjoy the "lovestyle". But I strongly advise anyone who is even casually interested in this to learn as much as they can about the various parts of BDSM before they either hurt someone by accident because they are unaware of safety and what equipment or activities are safe, or they hurt someone emotionally without meaning to. This lifestyle (and sometimes the lovestyle) can be very emotionally rewarding and it can be devastating if you are not able to communicate with a partner, whether your partner understands BDSM or not.

Generally, my website is dedicated to newcomers, dom or sub, male or female, and it is definitely slanted toward lifestyle rather than lovestyle simply because this is my mindset, I suppose. I am not putting "lovestylers" down at all... I think that whatever is consensual is fine with only a few exceptions. However, I am strongly AGAINST abuse of any kind, sexual contact with children, animals and dead people because none of these "groups" can give informed consent to anything. And I do not talk to folks who are under the age of 18, because (basically) I feel it is not my place to advise someone else's children and because I do not intend to pass on any information that could possibly corrupt a child (and the law considers anyone under 18 to be a child or a minor).

I also do not *promote* this lifestyle to anyone who doesn't seek out the information. This is not for everyone and I have always understood that fact. I try to be responsible and careful about who I speak to about BDSM, because there are many adults who *think* they "need/want" this kind of thing and it is not right for them. For instance, I have had a number of folks who come from abusive relationships who somehow think this (BDSM) is about sanctioning abuse, and it is NOT about that at all. This is not about *inflicting pain* or creating an atmosphere of emotional cruelty... it is first and foremost about PASSION and INTIMACY (hardly the stuff of abuse). And I try to give these folks who have had abusive trauma (mental or physical) some advice that comes from my heart: seek a professional for help: this lifestyle is difficult enough when one is mentally healthy, please believe me.

I am NOT qualified to counsel people as I have no degree in psychology. I am qualified to speak about my experiences and I can give an informed opinion... but that must be clearly understood. What I say here at my Home Page is *my* viewpoint, based on my 22+ years in this lifestyle and should not be taken as *gospel*. I am NOT an expert about this and neither is anyone else. I do know quite a bit about safety and recommend such authors as Jay Wiseman (author of "SM101, A Realistic Introduction") and John Warren ("The Loving Dominant") as men who are well known and well respected in the community. However, as I said, no one is an expert in the general subject of BDSM. I think there are many experts in various techniques (such as piercing, and other particular activities) but from the psychological standpoint, I feel that each person must explore and learn on their own (I am still learning and hope to continue learning for the rest of my life) and take what works for them our of the knowledge they find and leave the rest..
 

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